Since I got to know that they want you to get married or take brahmacharya in the ashram. I got confused. I thought this middle line is a safe one because I would not regret. But as per Sadhguru you regret that more and can’t handle it for vary long.
When I asked a brahmachari he said, to become a brahmachari there is no age limit but to marry there is time limit. You can’t just get married at any age. It is not impossible but finding the right one is not easy.
Even during choosing to come for Poornanga I gave it a huge shot. I stayed back at home for 3 months trying to fight with my own self about what is best for me.
Everyday I had to convince myself when I was there and now since last 10 days I am in here I have zero regret, did not think for twice and on top of that health and bance has enhanced since then.
This seemed to be the right choice from experience. But I didn’t not make at the first time. Now that I spent some time home, I realised ashram is the better place because I can’t just sit at home and wait for my death at this age. This age should be thrown away for everything that life has to offer me. Eventually all is us will die, better to experience and die.
I sometimes think about my parents but they are doing good. Anyway when I was home I was not talking to them either, there always used to be one wall between me and the rest. The only thing was, I was with them.
Sometimes, I feel maybe going back is good?
But now I know, more I make these choices more the life becomes tough. More I let the life drive, more ease I feel within. I can’t fight with life. I may strive to make something happen but my compulsions are strong and difficult for me to mold everything into my way.
In last 3 months I have almost killed myself in one way. I was becoming like rock. When I went from here I was joyful and vibrant. But in 3 months I had lost hope of me that I am good for nothing. I couldn’t hold my attention in any one thing. Kept doing sadhana without devotion. The soft aspect of me went somewhere.
When I came here that is the first thing I experienced that I have lost emotions, I don’t feel the way I used to feel about the spirituality. I am looking at things very mechanically. I doubted that I couldn’t be useful ful to any department. I felt I couldn’t not work. I would feel like running away.
When I left home after Intensive I was in really good shape all aspects of body mind and emotions. Now, from last 10 days it feels like I am reviving myself from it.
Body got reversed in 3-4 days, I started believing in me again but the emotions are still hard. I can’t feel the subtle aspects the way I used to feel.
The thoughts I had in those three months left a strong impact on my mind. Making me hard. Now, I am gradually loosing myself.
All I feel like doing for now is not to choose what is right for me but to do what seems is needed to be done. I must flow with life. The doubt is about the brahmacharya.
I like a colourful life, and that is married life. Brahmacharya is While unicolour. But Brahmacharya is intense and married life is complicated. Married life can also be taken as Brahmacharya in disguise but tough after a certain point.
However, Brahmacharya will remain a constant process to learn and grow. It won’t promise anything other than intensity of living. And I think that is the only thing would matter for me and since there is a support system and everything is in place trying to go out of the way could cost me more.
i would certainly enjoy the initial past of marriage process but later it will be tough and I have no way to come back. I don’t know if I can be able to handle all of it.