I was supposed to give a mock interview around the Isha yoga center as a full time volunteer. I can understand the reason why asked me to do so because it is obvious that various type of people will come and various kinds of questions they will ask so in a way it is to prepare for the worst kinds of situations so that one would not put Isha in jeopardy.
When I saw a demo I thought I would answer better despite of the fact that they were thrashing with questions but when I got in the mock things went different. People were different and they asked different set of questions. During that time I was excited because I knew a lot about ashram and I also have recited the script that they had given to us.
What idid not know was how they were going to approach towards it.
Yet I had expected that somehow they will try to put me in trouble and ask me questions that are baseless. And I kind of was excited about that because I knew I would enjoy their stupid questions.
It went well and later they gave me correction and my approach was speak the best that I could and listen whatever they say as feed back. I don’t really give a damn about anything because my experience of spirituality is complete different from others and it doesn’t matter even if it is same I would not like to open up about it.
Still it was fun pretending to be someone else.
I was doing good in that particular moment and later I felt as if something was wrong. It was a compulsive feeling I was having within myself. I was prepared for that I knew whatw coming and exactly it went as I thought yet I felt something was wrong.
This was not just a thought but a sense of feeling within myself went on and changed my mood.
I felt like to be alone, like avoiding the situation, like going away and I asked myself have I done any mistake choosing to be Poornanga?
It did felt bad but within my head I was clear that something broke within me that I have been protecting. Something that made me vulnerable. So, in a way it is the best thing that happened to me as I would not have noticed it otherwise.
That moment I did a second guess about Poornanga and all kinds of thoughts came in my mind of going home, doing job, getting married but I knew it was not the solution but some sort of an escape. Because the reality was they did not intended to hurt me. It was the nature of that mock. If someone does a good thing and you don’t like that and then you run away, you must be a fool.
Logically that sounds correct but emotions were strong towards leaving the Poornanga but I am a kind of person who could leave things in the middle very easily but with Isha I don’t do such things no matter what I stick around.
Whenever I feel exhausted I try to console myself with a thought that “this shall pass in few more seconds” that is true. I just hang on and those moments pass by but I realised I am just dodging the beautiful moments of my life doing that.
So, whatever happened from that time onwards I started becoming a person who would get up and share something. I started doing the opposite of what I would do naturally. It is painful to break something but it is also liberating at the same time.
What I feel is by avoiding these situations I could save myself from looking like a fool but by not involving myself into them I am loosing the life.
Next, I became the spoke person in the next session
Eventually yesterday, I did take recitation of the script for others and it felt good as I could get a chance to become a teacher. This always made me feel better to let people know something. If I get the chance to choose my department then I would definitely choose Home School as my department.
That means obviously I am looking forward to becoming a Poornanga. 😊