i have not noticed it ever within me but I have constantly avoided making money.
Nowhere I ever thought money as evil. I have always seen it as a possibility. And I also have always been responsible while spending it. Despite of knowing it can empower me I kept having distance with it.
Now, suddenly I realised why.
Someday, I feel like, I need someone in my life. When I am weak or vulnerable I could keep my head on her lap and sleep.
but then I have seen the reality.
To get that much I have to pay much more than I would like to get. And even after paying a lot there is no assurance that I would receive what I want.
This is the same with making money. More I put efforts in making money, more I get into things that would distrub me. It is not the money that I hated, it is the situation I have to deal with, I hated.
Thatvis why when I discover stock market as a money making process I liked it the most and that has been the prime source of me feeling independent of money.
i would not say, I have enough but definitely the market can give me more and there is zero responsibility I have.
These days I feel very weak to start something, to do something. I get exhausted quickly. Not because I don’t have energy or something. But there is nothing about the world motivates me anymore.
one thing that I still love doing is playing. Which I have been doing often lately. Only thing where I can be intense and laugh and come back.
i want to go home and spend time with my family but there life is too small and to make it big, I have to bring so many things into my life that distrub everything about me.
here in the Ashram I have the privilege of being in various celebration, food, people, dance, sadhana without literally getting myself into a lot of shit.
That is why this place matters a lot to me. If I step out, I must know I am preparing myself to face something that I don’t want to.
Nothing I feel hard when I am doing it but for a moment if I step back and look at it, nothing fails to disappoint me. Anything other than spirituality make me sick when I think about it. That is why, do what is necessary and rest focus on the sadhana.