I was thinking about what should i send along with the stuffs that Himangi left behind before leaving home.
I did give it a thought, i could send chocolate, biscuit, maybe bhujia with biscuit, which would be funny though.
No, something more valuable, what can be more valuable than food. I did not find anything and i got busy with something else.
Throughout the day worked on the Shyam meera video, it took a lot of effort. Some of it was still remaining, but Ind…sa said lets go for food.
i wouldn’t have maybe gone if he didn’t asked me. Before we went for food he said, ” you said you are not going to miss but we had really good kids, and it looks empty now,”
i added, ” Really good” “can’t expect more than this”
We went for food. I sat there before my food plate and invocation started, ended and during that invocation, Himangi and Pritesh came in my thoughts.
I felt like what can i give them in return that could justify what i feel for them. Within no time ‘i just offered myself to both of them’. How can i explain this above line. Just take me, you just own all of me now. For those couple of seconds i did not exist. The pain of a deep sense of love emerged within me bringing two drops of tear in my eyes.
Sadhguru’s quote triggered a little more where he said ,” when you are meeting anyone, leave as if you won’t meet them ever it will change you completely” i wanted to convey them that how much i love them.
A thought crossed my mind which Himangi struggled to understand about me. If i am leaning towards one person, how can i express what i feel within. I can’t lean towards one person, i am just over everything. She doesn’t realise i love her equally that of a boyfriend, that of a father, thay of a mother.
Then a thought made me calm that pritesh is going to come back tomorrow. He has just gone for few days. One last time i get to meet this guy. He is way older than me but i feel like he is my kid. He definitely has a different perspective towards me. It is so funny.
I was being too worried about Ind…sha anna. Suddenly, this inclusiveness pierced through my heart. I started looking at that man as my kid and i need to now take care of him too. Interesting thing is he feels the same way towards me. I definitely loose but it made me realise the biggest aspect of life. Love.
Love brings inclusiveness to such an extent that, everything that feels difficult otherwise also looks doable. Not necessarily will it happen or not but my part of the genuine effort to make it happen must go out.
When i joined this department, i did not want to be here, i wanted to be at home school teaching. But now for some seconds i feel how can i leave my family, where is the question of something i like or dislike when i am madly in love with them.
i called my parents right away, because for me this crossed me maybe once in a while, for them it could be a part of life. They have simply accepted.
Being here in the ashram has always surprised me giving me the tears often. I don’t think i would have cries unless it is a big pain or injustice that happened against me. Being able to cry out of love is the best thing that could happen to a human being.
what i felt for a moment Sadhguru must be feeling evert moment.
after all this how can i love one. How can i have leaning towards one. Not possible from myside. I can love immensely, but can’t love one.
Being inclusive can destroy the whole of me and the tears will not stop. Unfortunately i have to come back to the regular mental space to stop it. It can simply destroy me moment to moment.
No where one is able to know life, without throwing all of themselves in to it. Saving is a bad way of living life.