For the last 3 months, I have been at home.
It is difficult to admit my vulnerability towards life. How one can’t live on its own? That is exactly how I am feeling at home.
The best spent days at home
After I came from the Sadhana Intensive, I did not do much at home.
I watched movies, and web series and here and there had some business plans. But mostly I did not take action on anyone. Deep down I knew after some time I was anyway going to lose interest and leave it in the middle.
Then one day I was scrolling Instagram and one video came up where it showed that SSC CGL is offering 17 thousand seats this year. I have always wanted to resume my studies. So, I looked at the syllabus and all of it was easy. I thought let’s take this as a challenge and make it happen.
For the first 20 days, I studied like anything. Best 20 days spent in this entire time.
gradually I started putting pressure on myself for selection. I bounded myself with a time-line and overloaded myself with the Syllabus. And then I burn out.
I failed to put in more effort. Like a broken vehicle, I kept pushing myself to start but I could not push myself more. Eventually, I dropped the idea of trying for it.
How to deal with Parents?
“I will make my parents live better,” I thought before coming home.
After coming home first thing I did was everything that was not right from plastic utensils to mosquito nets I kept trying to fix.
But I could not. they went back and nothing changed. I could not even change the way they think and it did not take much for me to understand that it is not possible unless they see a better way of living and start putting effort to adapt that.
Here, I failed this and my problem started from here.
I could not tolerate the way they were living in terms of taking small things into account and making them big. Constant friction with my sister-in-law and her family.
What they see on the road and how people are towards them everything they keep blaming and possess some bad emotion towards them.
So, I decided to keep quiet and let them do whatever they wanted and I would just be by their side.
My father had a Heart Attack
I was doing my usual morning sadhana and my sister-in-law called me and told me that my father was experiencing severe pain in his chest.
I was clueless there. So I called one of my friends in the ashram and she said, call an ambulance.
I was so dumb that I was calling a person instead of an ambulance and I did not wait very long to call 108 and in 15 minutes there was an ambulance.
By this time my father started feeling better but still, we went to the hospital and did admission.
Not a good situation for me. This could have happened when I was not home.
Even after the heart attack also they are not taking it seriously so I brought a blood pressure measuring machine so that he can keep track of where is his blood pressure. He keeps doing so much work and keeps taking unnecessary stress.
It was tough for me to think about going away and leaving them alone at home.
My bad days started.
I had nothing to do at home now.
The entire day, I have been watching the web series on the bed. Stopped, doing Yogasana and because of the entire day in bed I started experiencing pain in various parts of my body, especially my shoulder and ribcage.
This was not at all a good experience but I could not do anything else eventually I ended up being in bed irrespective of what I tried.
My mental started getting worse. I knew I would never go into depression but it was not blissful either.
I started being intense about everything. kept watching the web series which eventually brought my patience and attention span down. Now, I could not even focus on something for more than 10 minutes.
Thoughts were bombarding making me miserable.
All I wanted was to be busy but I could not do that with anything else.
I must go to the Ashram.
I have tried multiple ways to spend my time, but everything I tried did not work. For a month, I could put my head into it, beyond which I could not make any sense. Eventually, I kept asking why the hell I was doing all this.
I felt free when I came from the ashram.
one thing I felt at home is that, here there is freedom but when you get the freedom you get to be responsible and draw your boundaries. I failed there. So, I seek for help from the ashram again.
If I have to put my head into something then home is a difficult place without getting the outside influence me because without the pace of a city my mind is going towards peace and because of the compulsion it is unable to remain there. So there is a stretch because of which I am being caught in the middle.
So, next time If I come back from the Ashram I must have a skill which I want to take my life forward. Otherwise, I will stay there in the ashram.
Deep down I also know that I have been trying to do something to escape reality, if that is what I can be in touch with then better if I don’t do a single thing and give myself to the Sadhana completely.