Indeed my parents gave me permission for whatever I want to do I can do.
They had doubt about the ashram. Some ideas and expectations about the ashram which are broken now. When they saw me living well, they allowed me to stay. It is not like staying here for ever I can also take break and go home. That was also a deciding factor.
within myself I have been through a lot of dilemmas.
When I was here during Sadhanapada and sadhana intensive. I felt I may not like to come back. So I went and then after a few weeks I could not handle myself.
Broke celibacy, Money, Marriage, Anger on Parents, disappointment about lifestyle.
Then I slept, watched webseries, watched porn and kept repeating the same for days. Oneday I got a call for Poornanga and then I came back.
When I was here, I enjoyed the entire part but then I stopped sadhana started being lazy. When I stopped youtube then I used to do sadhana sincerely. But after I restarted youtube sadhana got compromised.
Constantly the thought of money and living a better lifestyle kept revolving in my mind.
This time I was here only because I thought I would live better here than anywhere else.
Now right before I was about to go home I felt I think that’s enough. I can’t understand why am I here?
All this while I have been thinking about the lifestyle and in that sense Ashram provides the best lifestyle free of cost and luxury.
But somewhere it doesn’t feel free. So, I felt I can’t live under their pressure. I can’t constantly be worried about how are they perceiving myself. I want to be free and be able to do things without the worry of the judgement.
When I went home. I felt like I must stay back but then in two days I realised that there it doesn’t feel like working at all. I kept wasting time and kept being lazy.
then one thing hit me. Sadhguru said, I will take care of you if you could remain focus on something for 12 hours a day. It doesn’t matter what it is. Only thing is focus on one thing. This is how the nature works if you constantly focusing on something it is not possible that it won’t yield. It has to yield. That is the nature of the universe.
Naval ravikant says, “me is a disease” and this is what has been happening to me lately.
I’m planning for how I should live, how to make money, staying at home, not going anywhere for job, being emotionally vulnerable, feeling like having sex. All these things are coming because I am thinking about me me me.
That is the main objective of being a volunteer. First thing you lose it you. If you have not lost then how can you volunteer?
I have to do these two things. Whatever I am doing I must always know every action of me should be for someone else not for me. Not a single thing for me. And second is focusing on one thing.
Then again the doubt that comes is cancelled I manage the pressure and the load of it? One way to look at it is, when it is in this moment it is easy to handle anything but in future it is not. Second way to answer is it is okay to take wrong decision but I must push my self into such things and give that exposure to myself.
That sense of uncomfortable must always remain in my life.