A cute Moment
I had my dinner inside Biksha Hall, and I saw a Girl come and sit in front of me. One more akka was seated beside her, and she handed over the banana to the akka sitting next to her, and that akka gave the banana back to her. Still, she did not take it and gave it back, and the other Akka gave it back again, and this girl again gave it back to her, which continued two more times. I was sitting in front of them, enjoying the whole process, and it was one of the cutest moments I have seen in my entire life.
Usually, in the biksha hall, there is always serving support needed, and that day, she went in to help in serving keeping a space for her in the line so that after serving, she could come back and have her dinner. She might have told the Akka next to her to keep food for her. Akka also kept a banana for her, which she did not want once he came back, so she gave it to the Akks, who kept food for her. This process continued, and I smiled a little in between.
I looked at those two faces, and I did not intend to recognise them at all.
What I Liked about her
Two days later, I saw one girl serving in Biksha Hall with a black chunni wrapped around her and her hair tied in a bun right above her head. I liked that because it was a little up than usual. She had a bun where the ancient muni rushi used to have, and that was too active for me. I liked that hairstyle of hers a lot.
From the next day, whenever I come to Bikha Hall for the food, my eyes always look for her. But till now, I don’t recognise her face, but I can know her by her bun, and that is it.
That Red Dress
One day during the day, I went to have juice, and I was sitting and drinking my juice with a certain sense of ease. There was a girl who came and sat in front of me, and she was in traditional Indian clothing, but it was in red. Top to bottom.
She was so close to me that I could see her face, and I was not sure if this was that girl or not. I did not want to make her uncomfortable or, anyway, I was in the ashram, so I did not want to go own in that road, but I just wanted to confirm if that was she. I did look at her from the side profile. I could see her as she was talking to someone, and my eyes saw something that got engraved into my memory, and from here, I know now how she looked.
For many days, I did not get to see her, nor did I try to look for her.
When she talked to me
On August 15, I was near the Adiyogi holding the national flag as they asked us to click the picture celebrating Independence Day with Adiyogi. I was standing there, and suddenly, a lot of the volunteers came and stood with me .. then someone shouted, please don’t stand together, spread out, especially one who has a flag. I came a little forward where there were few people. Then, a few seconds later, some other volunteer came and stood around me, and that is when she again came in front of me.
She had a tensed face, a wrinkle on her forehead, desperately trying to fix something; she was in a hurry ” Please don’t stand together,” she said and fled away. I moved two steps ahead and went to the corner. I wanted to talk to her about something on that day.
If you want to make a crowd do something, then don’t say what they should not do but say what they should do, and it is better if you individually ask them to do things. But I did not get a chance, nor did I think it was important; it was okay whichever way it was going, so I let it go.
What is her Name?
So, from that day, my eyes kept looking for them, but unfortunately, I did not get to see her in Biksha Hall.
But I did see her once near the welcome point, and I noticed her card, Apoorva (Name changed). I could not read her surname because it was so long. I did not expect ever to talk to her, but deep down, I wanted to talk to her once,
one day, I saw her with someone sitting in a corner of the Suryakund mandapam. I just thought for a moment about what is she doing with him, but I did not give it a second thought and just walked away.
Truth and dare
There was one Akka who was sitting beside me in the office, and one more Anna was playing truth and dare in the Nalanda group, and they both were 22, so obviously that young romantic blood. She asked me if I had a crush there as a dare. I was honest that I don’t see people like that now. My vision has changed; I can see how people are from within simply by looking at them. But then she could not agree to that and kept asking me. And then I realised, oh, there is one. So I said, “See, I would not say a crush, but I found that girl attractive.”
Later during the Dussehra, on the third day, she was wearing a devi saree completely red, and I don’t know what that hairstyle she had made was, but she looked damn gorgeous, but I didn’t look at them for longer; just a glance and move one.
She was there lifting a table with someone wearing the same outfit as she and I were there with the ark. I was playing truth and dare. I showed her that that was the girl I was talking about.
“Ohh! Pretty” came out of her mouth. I did not expect that I would like those two words. I have no idea, but I have a good choice.
Actually, she got my attention not because of the way she looked but the way she is.. there is an innocence to her and a charm.
I had my Pranadanam, which was basically serving food volunteering, and I was assigned upstairs, and there I saw her. She had sweat on her face; today, she was not tense, but there were wrinkles on her forehead. It seemed that she was not well, but she still came forward to serve, and despite being so close, I did not talk to her. I needed a proper reason to start the conversation.
When I talked
Finally, during the Sevamela, the first table, I saw her, and this time, I had something to talk about. so I went to her desk and asked whether I could refer to a game that I could play or not. So she handed me a ball, and the challenge was to put it in the cup with a drop, so I did it in the first shout. So she asked me you have to tell me which cup? She said, I said green, and then I threw, and it went in.
She got excited more than me, and I did like that, but I kept that face of me. Then I went to some other games that they had designed, and there was one from an Indian language publication. They had a beautiful game of putting the right letter in the right cup, and it was to be done in 35 seconds. When I went there, many people were waiting to play, but it was Apoorva who was there to play, and she took 57 seconds and could not win it, but there was a quote which she wanted to have as a prize, but since she could not win she could not get it. she did try to request, but they denied.
So I looked and remembered the whole game, and once I went there, I did it in 32 seconds, and without delay, I picked up that prize that she wanted, and now I have a valid reason to talk to her. Damn, I felt like the universe gave me what I have always wanted to have.
The quote in it was, “Shut up and do your sadhana.”
so I took it, and she was there only playing some other games, and I gave it to her, and she was excited, and I was excited for that moment. Then we played one game together where I lost, and she won. They asked her to take a quote from there, so she asked me which one I wanted. I had no choice, but she chose something for me and gave it to me.
” smile, you are alive” was written on it.
I came back to my room, and I talked about her to one of the guys who was with me in that game, and he said,” Are you talking about Apoorva?” I said yes, “she is 30”, and then he shared with me her profession, and I did not agree to that because she looked too young for 30.
Under one Umbrella.
I did miss my dinner in the first batch. I was doing some sadhana, and it was evening, and it started raining, and I had a bag, so I got my umbrella out, and the moment I was coming down the staircase, I saw her there. So I asked, “Wanna come?” She came under my umbrella, and within no time, she felt uncomfortable. Then she walked out, so I took my umbrella a little towards her without going closer to her. She replied, “Oh! You will get wet”, with a sense of concern in her voice. Then she added from her side,” If it rains more, I will come in” I laughed inside of me because if it is not too much rain, then we can share an umbrella, but if it rails heavy, then two people in one umbrella is a bad idea, but I did not react anything to her, and we kept walking.
She asked what I used to do before this. I answered the question as I could feel that she was in some hurry, so I talked about the sales part, and then later, I kept talking about something about how I ended up there. And towards the end, I asked her about her past, and she did tell me exactly what that guy told me. She said she had 10 years of experience in that particular field. I could guess her age from there.
Fell apart
A couple of times, we did Namaskaram, and then we did not even look at each other. Maybe it was me. I did not want to go in anything of that sort because Samyama was ahead, and I was taking it sincerely.
So that was our last conversation, but from that day, I did not waste any chance of seeing her whenever I could get a chance. My god more I see her more I feel something within me. Towards the end, I almost felt like I had some bond with her. I knew it was my karma shit, so I needed to take care of all of it.
Those last observation
I still remember a day close to the Mahashivarati when we were having dinner outside in the open ground. She was waiting for someone far from me, and I had my dinner. It was crowded, but I could see her clearly, and that was the day I could look at her for the longest period. There was no chance she could catch me staring at her. She was in a green Kurti and black palazzo and open hair; damn, she was just beautiful. I don’t have words to express her.
In the Mahashivaratri, I saw her a couple of times dancing in our bay, and I thought that was the last time I saw her. On the final day, she was wearing a green saree. Pretty.
During intensive, I thought I would not be able to see her. A few days passed by, and one day, I was thinking about her while walking, and I turned towards one side, and she passed next to me. I looked at her, and my heartbeat picked the pace as if I had seen a ghost. It was like when you were not expecting a coincidence, and it just happened, so it was interesting and freaking out a little at the same time.
I did not talk to her either, but I did not waste a single chance to see her.
Something I noticed about her
A couple of things that I noticed about her was one day during the Yogasana correction, I told her that she was doing the Ottawa padmasana and the goddam leg was 90 degrees up. When she walks, her right foot lands inwards; she always walks fast. She is fit and flexible. She was tensed because the Samyama confirmation did come to her late and the way she expressed it made me feel that small small things do bother her. It was not about the things but the way she responds to it.
Multiple times I have seen her during Pradakshina, and I did compete with her, but damn, she walks fast. I was one day, and she and one passed next to me, and the same thing that she is always interested in was the past life of a person and how they were living. Well, I am, too, but that is one of the things she takes an interest in.
I have tried to find her many times on Instagram, but I could not. Then, on her birthday, a guy put the status, and when I saw her, I finally found her. I checked her wall, and I felt insecure a little. She was flexible. She did attend one yoga teacher training, and I saw her art making something with threads. It was cool.
I liked those, but I did not follow her, nor did I like anything. I just took a screenshot of her picture and then left the page the next day. It was private. People might have sent her messages of stupid comments on her post, but it was relayed by looking at her.
What remained
I still want to see her, but I don’t want to take it anywhere, so it is pointless.
Somewhere I feel exhausted by giving in a relationship. Now, It feels I am done with babysitting. Only if a women comes in my life who can let me learn on her shoulder and shift the weights of life and can collect me whole in her lap and let me cry like a baby. Unfortunately the basis of a relationship is what am I getting? Unless it starts from what can I throw into the relationship, it is mountain cliff. Someday I would lose my shit and next moment on the ground.
But while I was checking her Instagram, I could see a picture where she had uploaded her I card; finally, I could read her surname in it, and I could take as much time as I wanted. Nobody was taking it away from me, so I looked at it for an hour, and I was still not able to pronounce it correctly.