She moved on yet once in a while, I got entangled in what I have done to her.
It might feel like she has done something wrong but it was me who left her for someone else. Because of that, I could not forgive myself for the last 8 years. That is why I call it my eternal pain.
What I understand is, that it does not matter who committed the mistake but if you have a bad emotion then you are going to pay for it. The guilt was so strong within myself that even after she forgave me I could not forgive myself.
Last talk with her
I don’t know how I called her and the call went through. Because I was blocked the whole time.
She did pick the call up and talked to me. I am glad that she confronted me that she had forgiven me but the same thing happened to her again and again. How could not a single man in her life could give her the love she deserved? I feel terrible! I wish I had met her later. Things would not have gone the same way they went before but at least I would have been nice to her.
She did not want to go back to anything of that sort again and not only that she did not want to even talk to me for the sake of conversation either.
I do respect her and understand her reason for not going back because she went through a lot already.
Does time heal?
“It has been a long time” she mentioned in the last email. For her things have changed and I should not bother her.
I thought time heals things but the deepest wounds remain as it is unless you choose to forget instead of trying to heal. She did mention that it has been a long time why am I bringing up it again and again? For me, the time did not work. This time I will let it go.
One thing is for sure, the more I do selfish things, the more pain I suffer towards the end. if the other person is wrong then I need to love more than hate.
when Niki left me for someone else I did not avoid her. I was furious for some time but later I kept being nice to her and now after her marriage our relationship turned out be be the best. if I had hated her after that incident then probably I could not have forgiven myself.
The suffering part
it is tough for me to be right. I better choose to be wrong. because the moment I think the other person is wrong and I am right, the next moment I struggle emotionally. I feel I could have done better.
So, one thing is sure the more I have negative feelings irrespective of what someone caused to me or what I have caused to me, it turns out that it is me who is struggling in the end.
If I could manage to have love within my heart and accept being a mother to the world, I could surf the emotional wave.
Guilt Fear and Greed by Sadhguru
I remember sitting in one of the Sadhguru Darshan and he talked about guilt fear and greed. They entangle everyone. To taste the freedom one needs to be free from these.
one can’t avoid what has been done so avoidance is not the way out but acceptance is.
That worked in my life. I accepted myself irrespective of what I did. This did make me feel free and I can easily understand the freedom and the fear of how they keep me engaged in all the stupid things here and there in life.
These three things entangle most human beings and rarely anyone gets out!
The common link in any story
I remember a series in the name of “The Resident”. The whole series is about medical practice and messed-up relationships. I saw a series “Suits” It was about corporate law, legal issues and messed up relationships. There was a futuristic series ” The Orville” It talks about Earth 300 years from now but still the relationships resemble similar problems that we have now.
Irrespective of time and the advancement of our way of living, Our way of being has not changed.
This is what I was referring to when I said Greed, fear and Guilt bind us.
These things have always been there and will always remain there.
Hence accepting is the only way out in my perspective.
Conclusion
I give her my best wishes.
For me all I want is whatever happens in future I should not lose my shit. Because I can’t have more such karma. It is tough to work it out. One thing I learnt from her was why you should never be rude to others.