#19 Spiritual Growth is on Fast Track, Also compulsions!

Sleep or No sleep.

I am discovering these days a state of Sleep.

Where I am observing every moment and aware of it, thinking in it but suddenly I am awake and everything vanishes.

All those moments I thought I was Aware feel like a dream only.

Not once but every time that is exactly what is happening.

Am I sleeping every time?

No. I am not asleep.

It is a state within me where I am entering into a zone where I am losing the senses and also a sensation of the body.

Something of me is awake and the rest of the things are exactly like in a sleep.

Usually, sleep happens so fast that you are not aware.

One moment you are conscious and the next moment you know nothing.

But with this one, I am literally walking into that zone.

The Power of the Place.

All I am doing is following the schedule, doing my regular sadhana and irrespective of breaking some rules I seem to be on a fast track.

It does not matter if you are working for it or not but it seems like the path is moving towards it.

When you don’t do anything in a crowded metro but the does everything for you. that is how it feels.

I have done sadhana for the last year and in just one month the growth that I am experiencing is immeasurable.

The place itself is so transforming.

I have been ignoring this for the entire month but the way I am experiencing this, it can’t be unseen.

Coming very clearly in from of me.

Compulsions also getting stronger.

I have achieved enough stability but still, some part of it is in the test.

I have not yet raised over my sexual desires so that is one of the things getting stretched.

I know this is one of the questions that will be asked me before they would initiate me into sanyas.

So I must have the number for that.

But controlling is not the way.

But if your goal is very high then it will slowly get discarded.

But I am getting trapped in it.

When I am being conscious today, I could feel that it is happening because I am at the end level of getting over my compulsions.

Because sexuality and being humiliated and hurt are the two places where I am still building karma.

But when it comes to food, seva. I have liberated already.

I don’t even need Sadhguru for that.

So maybe these are the things getting strong for me to put me to the test.

I know for sure that the transformation this life would have been after 8 months is unimaginable.

That I can’t write.

I can write the experiences, stories and lessons but the transformation can’t be written.

I still feel ignorant but it certainly feels that I am at least moving towards something.

All I need to do is to bring some necessary discipline into me and be conscious about my life in order to let it happen.

I think one does not need a guru if the ashram is like this.

Mere Effort can get it done.

But having a live master is a lot of help.

I must make use of this and focus more on Yam, and Niyam so that I can use this to the best of its advantage.

Karma with Nikita

This sexual desire is not with anyone but Nikita only.

There is a girl sitting for me to talk about it and desperate way more than Nikita.

The rest of the girls around me look to me just like a piece of life blessed with a female body but nothing more than that.

The only answer that I can find for now is KARMA.

Because this is not about the body that they have.

I could have asked Niki for her photos but I am not doing that. there is something fundamentally wrong which is beyond me to understand and that is what I am assuming; Karma.

The amount of karma that I have built with Niki is coming out and this is the time where I am burning them. The same test might be taken in the future again so be ready that by the time the live guru comes back you will be here ready to receive.

All I need to stand still and watch them consciously and that is too in this moment Not when all of this happens.

This is not for everything but for this moment only.

I must not go in the direction of attention.

This is the moment only and everything that can be done must be done now.

The only way I can pass this test is by being conscious and this time I will have to.

And certainly I do.

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