Break Up gives Confidence #3

First Pitch for something i was not competent.

When you put a step out to prove yourself, you open your arm to embrace the pain and pleasure of uncertainty.

Every moment all your body and mind put best of their effort to keep you away from doing an uncomfortable work but you have no choice but to take it.

Because that is what you are here for…

I was in the tremendous anxiety of when I will go to meet him ” what I supposed to say to the guard?”, ” what I would say to the people why I am here for ?”, ” How would I convince without having competent?”.

I reached at the institute around 11:30 and security let me in but Kishore sir was taking class.

I waited for 1 hour to talk to him, and in this one hour I must have practiced the speech for so many times.

Then that time came I went up, stood there on the corridor, someone called him and pointed a finger towards me.

There was the man Yuvakishore Reddy. 6′ tall with a formal attire and a mic connected to the ear.

He looked at me… I was nervous like hell. Heart was so fast that my voice could not even came out…

Somehow I managed to speak. I spoke about knowing him from Nikita, Web development teacher job.

He had this question whether I have prior experience?

I said, “no”.

I could see his eyebrows comming closer with a deep thought of ” what is this going on ?”

He did not say no to me but said, “call me in the evening.”

Before I called him in the evening something happened that made me approach with confidence.

She took time to decide!

The entire day niki kept talking with dillip and her maen in conference call. she was supposed to study because of mock test but she kept wasting her time.

After coming to bangalore I thought I am going to spend enough time with niki that she will forget everyone else, and I will help her to get placed ASAP. But, my weakness was to give her freedom.

I called her and said, ” lets meet in the evening and sit together like before”

She agreed.

She came in the evening, wearing a full sleeve cream colour abstract pattern tee shirt and black jeans.

She took me to the Ezone of marathalli. It was not far from here.

But, what I expected happened exactly in the beginning. Talking with same love, teasing each other, having fun, enjoying tiny bits.

We reached at Ezone.

We saw vehicle race, bowling ball and other games and all this while she kept telling me how she enjoyed and loved the experience of last time.

She told me she was here with Yunus for first time.

It just burnt me alive.

Then she said two sentence about future where i was excluded and dillip was included.

She said a sentence in odia where she mentioned they would come there again and enjoy it to the fullest.

In english it would be “we” but in odia clearly I was out of the context.

“When I will earn money, I am going to play that one first”

Till today, it was used to be ” we will play that one first”

She kept telling their stories but never enjoyed my company.

I wanted to stay there, sit with her talk to her but after completing of her talk she said, ” let’s go back”

All of these we making me so upset but I kept giving a fake smile.

We came back and she went into a food stall to take something for her roommate. At that moment, I feel like not caring about her too much. So, I called Bidyut and talked to her over phone.

I kept talking, I ignored niki. but once in a while I did check what she is doing and i was telling my insecurities to Bidyut.

After walking for a long distance, she knowingly sometimes stays behind to show me that I am not taking her care. and then finally I stopped talking to bidyut.

Bidyut told me clearly, “see you are her boyfriend and you can make her do things… if you can’t, what kind of boyfriend you are! Ask her clearly, if she wants to stay with you then stop talking to them and if she wants to stay with others then stop talking to you”

I asked her for the same!

She froze.

She could not speak. I was loosing patience in those situation..

she said, ” How can I tell them suddenly that I wont talk to them ?”

I said, ” give me your phone, I will do that for you.”

She gave me her phone and I called dillip but it was picked by kishan. he asked me “what is wrong ?”

I did not tell him anything.

Right at that moment Yunus called and I talked to him and he was not convinced but somehow I win the arguement.

but the next moment he again called to niki.

Niki had hold her phone ane I got furious that even after saying “no”. How can he call ?

I tried to snatch the phone and give him a dose but niki kept holding that phone and it felt like I am doing some wrong stuff.

There used to be days when we used to have each others finger print on each others phone.

Now, she has privacy, and I am not in the priority.

I kept asking her for the answer and she did not speak anything.

she said after half an hour of that intense moment ” I need some time”

I said ,” bala kichhi time nai… jao”

I was frustrated.

I started waking in reverse direction. and this time I was furious.

While in the middle of the walk she called me and I said,” madarchood… I shouted so loud that… even I could not articulate but just a huge sound came out of my mouth”

I kept saying a few such sentences and cut the call and did not let her speak.

She again called me and said , ” Don’t forget to call Kishore Sir “

The fake carring she tried to show towards me just pissed me off. She just wanted to feel good by doing such stuff.

so that she could convince herself later that she tried to speak to me but I yelled at her.

but the point is this if she really cares for me then she would know that her karmas are suffocating me.

I shouted at her.

Because this time I did not care that people call me short tempered. I have fed up explaining people that I am not short tempered any more.

I was infact feeling so insecure or scared to show my frustration because they will perceive me wrong. I always kept hiding the blast of emotion inside my chest and yesterday I literally did not care and shouted it out.

The final call to Kishore sir.

I came back home with the same rage. I called Bidyut and talked to her… and then after sometime I called Kishore Sir.

he picked the call and said, ” I will talk to my boss and let you know ”

I sent him a message that was genuine like fuck and he said, ” come tomorrow 10:30am, I will take 1st round of interview”

Day #4

Today, In the morning I went there, and he came late. I kept waiting with the same posture on the chair.

He came and with a gentle behaviour called me inside. Asked me to pick the marker, and to start explaining something.

I tried to explain what is web development.

He then asked me that what did I do last 2 years, I did speak everything and I could maintain the enthusiasm I always carry.

But, I felt I needed to be more profound and clear. Short and on the spot.

At the end he said, ” I will call you monday or tuesday and prepare box model of css “

I felt so fucking good after coming from that room.

Before I went in I was freaked out and was feeling a little nervous and this is what I am feeling for last 2 days while approaching but after approaching and doing what I wanted even if does not go the way I wanted… It makes me an inner satisfaction.

I just love putting myself in uncomfortable situation and I need to force myself to do such thing everyday so that I can see my true potential.

Transcending the boundaries that I have put for myself is mandatory.

We all are people.

At the end, what you realise is we all are people. Be it Elon Musk or a begger on the road side.

There are no authority, it is the western culture that imposed upon us and we kept following that.

This is tragic.

Now the threatening call.

Now, dupil called me to threatening me that he is comming to my pg to talk to me about prakruti.

One day prakruti called me, and she started blaming me about how wrong I was doing with mama and she kept doing that.

And I raised my voice at her.

I called her second time to say sorry for that but she did not wanted to listen and then i told her something wrong.

I have the courage to accept that but I can’t hit my head with this people.

And now Dupil is just show what he is made up off.

This disappoint me of the fact that why niki had to do all this why I get into this and why all of this would have happened.

My perspective is… if someone calls me and speaks wrong about me, I will shout at her.

But anyway, how does that matter now.

To be honest, I just can’t believe Mama that she could create this level of trouble in my life.

Dupil said, ” I am saying it like a hero”.

To be precise, I dont want to be hero in anyone’s life but mine. It is Prakruti who cane with over confidence that she could sort it all out. And dupil who took my girlfriend away from me.

Whatever… Let them be the hero in their lives but I certainly can’t afford to vibrate at the frequency of this level of people.

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