There has been a time in my life when I was alone, I had nothing, I was broken from inside and no one was there by my side.
There were people around me and all of them were busy in their own worlds.
I remember the night of 1st Oct. I wanted to wake up early because I had a webinar in the morning.
I went to bed early around 10:00 but did not fall asleep.
I was tossing myself on the bed. Thousands of thoughts were going inside my mind making me anxious and miserable.
I missed Anusheree my ex-girlfriend very much but my mind contradicted not to call her.
I was in doubt that even if she picks the call what am I gonna say? anything I say, she would reply with “I am not interested” and a few scolding may be.
around 11:30 I could not help myself but dial her number and as soon as the phone rang… my heart beat went up… fortunately it said that she is busy with someone.
I was in a panic that the call connected and I disconnected, flipped the phone around and covered myself up with the blanket.
The next moment the phone rang.
It was her but I did not have the guts to pick the call up.
I have regretted enough, I have realised enough, I have changed enough, yet she judge me the same way as she used to 7 years back.
I wish she could understand me a little. as I gave too many chances to niks… she would give me one or two may be …
Then I did not know what to do next… I tried o sleep then I feel like calling Vidyut.. despite that I did not want to call her.
She did not pick the call up.
I called Mamata and she was with her family and did not talk too much.
Then I called Shanti and she said I would call you tomorrow and she did not.
rest of the night I masturbated 4 times, watched a few series, reels and a few videos, played some games, and could not sleep the entire night.
One thing that I have seen is everyone is too selfish about themselves.
When I was with Niki… I did everything for her and everything was good but then after college, we moved apart but she was at home.
Our relationship was good till then she moved to a new place and found a few more friends she stopped giving me the importance that she was supposed to give.
I don’t want to brag about what I have done for her but it is inevitable that I have changed myself as per her.
For 5 months I stayed in the pain.
During this, I started talking to another girl Vidyut as a friend and it was amazing until she find another guy and my importance of me went down.
I was talking to Mamata, here and there once in a while then she went to do the job and then she also stopped talking to me.
Same with Shanti.
That is why I don’t like girls because they get too much attention that they start to believe that the world revolves around them, not around the sun.
People complain about other people that there are not good people in this world not because they are not there in reality but because these people lack that eye.
These people change their best support because they get something new, when you do the same thing how can you accept anything from others?
I just feel pity for these people because I know for a fact that when they would be in any kind of hard situation, no one will be by their side, they may find someone ney but the stability is not there…
I don’t judge them but I will not support them if they come back in future not because I want to take revenge or something… but because this is something that they have set up. They broke the relationship and I am just taking care that it should not get fixed… it should remain broken.
Unfortunately, they won’t realise it ever because they are too full of themselves.
I feel the pain but I know for a fact that a few things should not be avoided so I accept them. I accept the pain but I don’t judge them neither I take any grudge against them but I make sure I am not available to them.
Often people don’t remember if you are behind them so it is important that you move ahead and too ahead of them that they would just know that you are ahead but can’t reach you for help.
The problem with their approach is that they would not get up there with the same mindset they are having.
Monetary wise they may achieve too much but the life inside them never evolves and remains as miserable as it was.
My intention has always been to enhance life from within and these people around me are obstacles in that path. they don’t allow you to focus on yourself but on them.
I have a problem that if I am with someone I would only think about them whether they are working fine or not.
So, I did not choose to marry, did not choose to have friends, did not choose to let anyone come closer to me that thay can impact me in any way.
Now, I don’t have a problem if someone is giving me importance or not. It can’t reach me.