From last three days I have not been playing good frisbee.
First day there were not many and hence I was not scolded by anyone and I did laugh and enjoyed.
Which they would think careless always.
The next day, I made many similar mistakes and they scolded me a couple of times and today also I made a few mistakes.
I felt like should I leave the frisbee group?
that is what I have done in the past always. But something about the ashram that never let me do. Many a times I felt like running away from ashram for silly reasons but then I know where else can I go?
Then comes in my mind a thought of practicing more and becoming good.
‘That won’t happen’ I know. I can be avarage or above avarage but never the best. Never upto the mark where I could get a chance to be in the team. Not this one but in any team.
No matter how much I try there is a point after which you have to take the game as life and death. You are willing to die for it. When it comes to intensity I am ready to put in until the soul leaves the body but I can’t crash with anyone.
This is something I can do but I won’t do. Not consciously I am choosing not to do but, I am unconsciously choosing not to chase the frisbee and defend it.
i am always conscious about the person who is receiving the frisbee. All I am trying is to not to clash an any cost. I can be intense but can’t afford to injure anyone or myself.
So, the reality is I am not going to fit in ever with the best. Above avarage is all my life.
i know I am not leaving the group but the temptation is strong as I have done the same many times in the past.
but this time it doesn’t seem too strong within me. And I have kind of build a transparent skin of me on which whatever you throw, it does touches but, it goes through.
i am sure it is not thick skin. Because any small thing can come to my experience but, good thing is, it is not remaining.
I still, remember the final semester viva, I couldn’t gather the courage to go but the last one I did go accepting that I will be ready to listen everything that they would say against me. It was tough but I did it.
that is why I feel I am a phattu.
but I have always strived and did things that made me uncomfortable. This is when I realised what worse can happen?
i feel ready for the worse but when it comes to becoming best or pushing above the avarage, I don’t feel confident enough that I could clash with anyone. I feel leaving is easier than struggling to push forward.
evennif I be a little better what the hell will I get or become? This is a limiting mindset but true. Wherever you are someone or something will always be ahead of me.
i hope my life doesn’t end avarage. So far, what I see myself doing, seems like I am going to end up exactly like a mediocre but if I could push as spirituality is all about in, I could go much more beyond the avarage or may be the best.
Capability wise things could be different outside but when it comes to inner life this one must go all the way.