10:08AM
It does not feel good to move to far away from home.
And I am still worried that what if they would not give me the opportunity.
I know I should not but it is happening to a small extent.
It’s been a while I opened. I desparately want to open up. Get my soul out and scream out loud.
Father’s wish
He wants me to call him everyday.
I did not like it. I felt really bad that even if i want to live a free life they are always there.
They dont have a problem if I am working and not coming back. but they have problem if I become a monk.
I could not say it because it is not necessary. Their capability of understanding is not upto that level that they can understand me right now.
Intellectually I can prove them but they have a steriotype towards monks.
I am not worried about where to live, what to eat. I want to leave myself completely to the earth. And it is really disappointing to see people beheave like this.
I know i am anyway leaving because this soul is not going to accept any bondage.
If I would be in their place I could easily leave with this mindset.
Lack of understanding of life is resisting them to understand it further more.
I just don’t know how to deal with them now.
The best way to deal with anyone is communication and they are not ready for that.
Even if they get ready i am not going to prove that this is the best firection, untill their souls seek for it.
They are never going to understand. And I can never feel mysel free.
Fortunately, my father is in the best condition.
Another elder son. has a settled job. He has pension. House and he is fixed till death.
But I am a life.
I dont have a problem in letting them know what I am doing but they can’t digest it, if i say I am sleeping in foot path they would be pity listening to that.
They are not take it as normal.
They would try to send me money so that I can live in a hotel.
But my soul dont need anything. It is trying to be free from the idea of sleeping can only be possible in a hotel.
My soul is not ready to accept any bondage of thoughts or physical boundaries.
I can’t get mad at them either, this will satisfy my ego but won’t solve any problem.
Seems like I need to go back and this time when i go back I will make one thing clear that… I will go out do anything only when they are ready to give me up.
But no. I dont think this is ever going to happen.
This is just my ego.
After thinking a few minutes what I can realise is…
Going back is never the right option because i will keep dying there.
The vibe of the home is not alive there and it will be more dead untill it is fixed.
It is not because the home because the people and how they are living there. I have decided. I am not going home thistime forever.
They will have to go through the pain either way.
It’s not me who can do something about but it is them who are attracting the pain.
If i do everything that they want then yet they are not going to feel happy about it.
But certainly my soul will die.
How to let these people understand that my soul is screaming to be alone.
4:17 PM: Got the Clarity.
I came here to Akamra Park despite of not having a will.
But the guy with me had a problem with me, where it was not a problem yet i did not say anything.
It reminded me of the sentence “I am mother to the earth”
How our mother don’t say anything when we shout at her and yet love immensely.
It did hurt me but I did not counter back in.
It reminded me of my parents. They are not against me they love me and it is their love that making them listen to me where it is not their fault either.
The frustration that I had towards my parents made me feel bad because I will shout at them saying they dont understand me, and they would definitely have it their in their heart that I did not understand them. They would forgive me and never say it again.
This is the darkest phase.
Man I dont know what to do. I am so confused.
Can’t stay with someone.
Can’t go to bangalore.
Can’t go to home back.
I don’t really know what to do. I wish I had gone for the interview.
Don’t know either I want a job. Fuck it
6:10PM
I walked 13,000 steps 5-6 kilometers now and the pace of this city is driving me crazy.
I am feeling uncomfortable here so my mind is driving me towards home.
When i am thinking about home… My mind is saying… it is the same boring place to go.
Nothing will change and you will feel the same way.
It is better to go ashram. When I am feeling about ashram. I am not sure of what is going to happen.
It seems better to stay in the city by taking a PG.
And later find a job.
The triangle is just driving me crazy and i am loosing my sanity.
What my hands are writing is 1/10 of what is going on in my mind.
How dare me think of taking a less travelled path.
I should be on the same rat race.
No not rat race… Ashram is far better than that.
Okay today I will be at his room late night and leave early in the morning around 4 only… and move to bangalore.
I am going that is final and I will make sure to get into the ashram.
Yes it is happening now.
I am moving to bangalore… that is for sure… I will take rest at his room.