Fight with Niki.
Well, it was not a fight but I wanted attention from her.
Now, that she has a boyfriend she can’t do it properly, and I had some other expectations as well.
She tries to understand but then the effort she puts into me is not enough and also takes me for granted.
So I did not like that and I thought I will not be talking to her anymore.
After all, I am finally here at the Ashram and I should not involve myself in any kind of relationship either.
I stopped talking to her.
She did put in some casual effort.
Which did not bother me, and I was successful in ignoring them.
Two days ago, I had a chat, and I did not close the door or kept it open.
I am a joyful person.
Now, when I was coming from the Kondrai, I was feeling I must be a joyful person.
I must be bouncing all the time.
if I was that person then I must not get upset with Niki!
Irrespective of what she does to me I must be fine with everything.
If she does not pay attention I was supposed to be okay with that.
But I did resist her because I was developing bondage and some unwanted desires were coming up.
So, I choose to avoid her but even after she went things did not change.
I remain miserable.
If someone had to change that was me.
What she did was best from her side.
I am not either saying that she put in a complete effort.
Neither I am accepting all of this is my mistake. but that is how people are.
So, the idea of avoiding here was not wrong but the intention was wrong.
I must stay away if she has no time but the very reason why I choose to stay away should not have happened.
What should have done?
I should have become a normal friend of hers and talked to her whenever it was possible.
I shouldn’t have put in the extra effort as if she is something special to me.
Everyone must be the same as me.
If she is calling and messaging at night then I should have seen what is important for me and that is how I must have chosen what is necessary for me to do now.
I should have considered her a normal human being like any other.
Is it really possible?
A big question because I have spent a significant amount of time with her and she knows in and out of me.
She sometimes triggers sexual desires within me.
But to overcome that if I avoid here then I am just depressing it not getting over it.
So, the idea of avoiding has turned out to be wrong.
Should I start talking to her again?
If you are trying to avoid her and don’t like to be with her then it makes sense. Because that is where the growth is.
But is there any need?
If she is a normal human being for you like any other then you should treat her the same as you treat everyone else.
Would you talk to all of your friends at night?
No, then don’t message her from your side.
If someone messages you would reply? Yes! I would do that.
What is next?
If she is gone then it’s okay!
I don’t need to go after. But I must realise where I could have turned myself around.
I have been pretending for a significant amount of time in my life but the Ashram is revealing all of my seep KARMAs.
I am being restless, serious, funny, loving, joyful, playful, and miserable. All of the emotions are manifesting themselves in different times.
There is nothing right and wrong about it.
ALl I can do is be aware of them and whatever has to happen will happen.
I must not try to create any change or be rigid.
Let the flow wash me away and ride the wave as much as possible.
I am not the doer. The universe may decide what should happen to me.